


Coming to Terms

by remanth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, soul-searching Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-12
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 11:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/560562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remanth/pseuds/remanth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Balthazar lets slip Castiel's secret and Dean decides how he really feels about it</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What the Villain Said

"I think you've confused me with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trenchcoat who's in love with you?"

Balthazar's words were still ringing through Dean's mind now that he had time to relax. He and Sam were at Bobby's house after the Titanic fiasco, trying hard to forget about the good parts of the life they'd just lived. Like Ellen and Jo being alive or Bobby being happily married to Ellen. Or feeling like they had an actual family again. But nothing good ever lasted for the Winchesters, as this recent adventure showed.

Dean replayed the entire scene in his head again, from the moment they'd summoned the angel to the moment he'd left. Balthazar had acted as if it was common knowledge Cas was in love with him. Though it was a bit of a shock to Dean. He'd thought that Cas considered him a friend, maybe a brother. It was how he thought of the angel.

'Most of the time,' his brain supplied treacherously. Dean scowled at that but had to admit it was the truth. There were times that Cas's eyes or his full lips wouldn't leave his mind. Or what it would feel like to press his lips to the angel's. Dean shook his head, dispelling the images. The point here wasn't to fantasize about Castiel but to try and figure out if Balthazar was right.

Dean thought back to their very first meeting in that barn. Cas had walked right in, brushing aside a shotgun blast to the chest as if it meant nothing. Even the knife, he just pulled out and dropped. The whole time, the angel had been wearing an expression as if to say "Look what I did. I pulled you out of Hell and made you again. Aren't I awesome?"

Even then, he'd believed in Dean, believed him to worth something. Cas had seemed surprised that Dean himself didn't believe he deserved to be saved from the pit. And everything he and Cas had done together since then had simply cemented the angel's belief in the hunter. Castiel had even rebelled against his family, stopped the Apocalypse, and rewritten time trying to keep Dean safe.

"Dude, you've never been much for quiet sitting and thinking," Sam said as he barged into Dean's room. "What's up?"

"Shut up, Sammy," Dean said automatically, his voice slightly distant. "I have a right to think after the two lives we just lived."

"Maybe," Sam agreed. "But I've never seen you go all introspective over what was essentially a hunt. What's really bothering you?"

"It's nothing. Just leave me alone, man," Dean said, shrugging one shoulder. He looked over at Sam from his reclining position on the bed, glaring at his younger brother.

"Was it the Fate, Atropos?" Sam asked, completely ignoring the glare and the order in typical little brother fashion. "We can't take everything out, Dean. Even we lose sometimes."

"Yeah, I get that, I really do," Dean said, sitting up on the bed and crossing his legs underneath him. Sam decided that that was an invitation to stay and sat down at the foot of the bed.

"So what's bugging you?" Sam asked, pressing for information. "I've only seen you like this a couple times and each time it was over a girl."

"It's not about a girl," Dean replied truthfully, though ironically. "It's more about what that villain said."

"Atropos?" Sam repeated the name. "I don't really remember her saying anything to us. Cas said we were frozen while she talked to him."

Dean shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn't really want to talk about this with his little brother. Sam had no idea about Dean's past encounters that had drifted to the male side of the spectrum.

"Come on, Dean, just talk to me," Sam said, giving Dean his best puppy dog eyes. "You know I'm not gonna stop asking until you tell me."

"Fine, the villain I'm talking about is Balthazar," Dean finally snarled, glaring at his brother.

"Balthazar? Since when was he a villain?" Sam asked, confusion on his face. He shifted on the bed to face Dean more squarely, studying the elder Winchester. This was very unlike Dean and Sam wanted to find out what was going on.

"When he changed time and saved the Titanic?" Dean replied sarcastically. "But... you remember when he said we confused him with Cas?"

"Yeah?" Sam said slowly, trying to figure out where Dean was going with this. Then the next thing Balthazar said flashed through his mind. "You mean when he said Cas was in love with you? You know he was just saying that to be sarcastic, right?"

"That's what I'm wondering," Dean said softly, looking away from Sam. The moon was rising in his window casting a soft white glow over the room.

"You think Balthazar might have been telling the truth?" Sam asked, his voice high with shock. "Or are you sitting up here tearing yourself apart because you're wondering if you like Cas back?"

"Something like that," Dean replied grudgingly, always surprised when his little brother could read him like a book. Though they'd been together all their lives. He was pretty sure Sam knew what every little tic and movement he made meant.

"Well, that explains the intense stares and personal space issues," Sam said, struggling to keep the laughter from his voice. "You know it's fine, right? I don't really care as long as you're happy?"

"Shut up, Samantha," Dean snarked though he was worried that Sam would stop looking up to him. "I've been thinking about all the time I've spent with Cas and we're probably the only humans he's spent any length of time around other than Bobby. If he loves me or something, that's a bad thing. When has that ever gone right for us?"

Sam sighed and laid a hand on Dean's knee. This was often Sam's signal that something serious was about to come out of his mouth and Dean decided to listen in spite of the urge to shrug his brother off.

"First off, Cas is an angel Dean, I'm sure he can handle most things," Sam started, a serious look in his eyes. "And second, maybe this is what breaks the cycle of bad luck we've had. Cas knows exactly what we deal with and often fights by our side. And third, so what if he doesn't hang around a lot of humans? He's probably watched humans for centuries before coming down here. He pulled you out of Hell Dean."

"Sam, I know that but he only did it on orders from the angels who wanted to start the Apocalypse," Dean replied. "Look at all the crap he's gone through, fighting on our side. Team Free Will. He's lost his home and his family. How does that balance out?"

Dean felt the urge to move and stood to pace the room. Standing on the side of the Winchesters was a good way to get killed, as many of their friends had found out the hard and lasting way. Dean carried that guilt on his shoulders, carried the guilt of being the reason a freakin' angel of the Lord fell. Dean kept his face turned away from Sam, carrying enough guilt over his brother as well.

"Dean, love isn't about balance or sense," Sam said softly, remembering his time with Jess with a pang of hurt. "It's about finding someone who... completes you, for lack of a better word. And you and Castiel fit together very well. I've never seen you trust someone so completely like you do him."

"And look where that's gotten him!" Dean yelled, turning to face Sam. "He fell. When I went to the future, he was a stoned hippie. All because of me! And he still followed me, followed when future me sent him to his death. I'm not worth that, Sammy!"

Sam sighed and thought about his words carefully for several long moments. Dean rarely opened up like this and maybe now he'd listen to what Sam and Bobby and even Cas had been trying to tell him for years.

"We averted that future and Cas isn't a stoned hippie now," Sam said sternly. "You wouldn't send him to his death because you never had to face the choices your future self did. And Dean, none of us deserve love and we all do. That's the paradox of it all. Just be happy if he does love you and you love him back."

"I can't let him fall the rest of the way," Dean murmured, his shoulders slumping. "Cas is barely hanging on to his wings as it is. I don't want to take that away from him."

"Why are you fighting this so hard?" Sam asked, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion. "And it should be Castiel's choice, shouldn't it? He's the one who would be losing his wings."

"Sam, I would be responsible for making an angel, a friggin' angel, fall," Dean replied. "If nothing else would guarantee me a trip back to Hell, that would don't you think?"

"Why don't you ask him?" Sam said reasonably. "I'm sure an angel would know what would happen, right?"

Dean sighed again and dropped back down on his bed. He knew he probably should call Cas, find out what was really going on. Find out whether Balthazar was just trying to rile him up. Nodding once at Sam, Dean sent his brother a grateful smile.

"Just when I thought it never would be useful, your girly side comes in handy," Dean said.

"Jerk," Sam replied, a fond smile crossing his face.

"Bitch," Dean said. "All right, get out now. I'll call Cas and talk this out with him."

"Good luck," Sam murmured before leaving and closing Dean's door. Dean took one more deep breath before closing his eyes.

"Cas, uh, if you're not, you know, busy or something, I'd like to talk to you," Dean prayed, not knowing whether he wanted Cas to reply or not.


	2. Crisis

"Is there a crisis, Dean?" Castiel asked as he appeared in Dean's room accompanied by the characteristic flutter of wings. "You seem agitated."

"Um, yes I'm agitated but no, it's not really a crisis," Dean replied, turning to face the angel. "Well, not a big crisis at least."

Cas tilted his head the exact 'Dean you confuse me' angle and just stared. Sighing, Dean gestured for Cas to sit down on the bed and paced a few more steps. Finally, he stopped in front of Cas and looked down into the angel's eyes.

"Ok, Balthazar said something to Sammy and me when we were in that alternate timeline," Dean said, swallowing hard. "And I wanna know if he was right or not."

"You have to tell me what he said," Cas replied when Dean didn't speak. "Otherwise I won't be able to tell you if it's truth."

"Yeah, I know. It's just... difficult for me, you know?" Dean shook his head and decided he wanted to be on the same level as Cas for this. He sat down next to the angel on the bed, leaving a healthy distance between them. Dean curled his hands over his thighs and squeezed, uncharacteristically nervous about this. Maybe because it mattered.

"Balthazar said that we had confused him," Dean said slowly, his breath panting. "When we asked him to help us with the Titanic fiasco, he said we'd confused him with the angel in the dirty trenchcoat who's in love with me."

Dean stopped, the enormity of his words hitting him once again. Here he was, acting like a schoolgirl with a crush, asking a friggin' angel of the Lord if he loved him. Dean was completely expecting Cas to smite him or something for presuming and being a dumbass. Afraid to meet the angel's eyes, Dean looked at the floor, concentrating on the grain in the wood.

"Dean?" Cas said softly after a terse silence. "Are you asking me if Balthazar was right in his assessment of my feelings?"

"I guess I am," Dean replied, still staring at the floor. He could feel his shoulders tensing, bracing for the smiting he was pretty sure was coming.

"You have no idea what it means for an angel to feel, Dean," Cas continued, his voice so quiet Dean had to strain to hear him. "We feel love and obedience for our Father, but the emotions granted to humans are often denied us. To feel is... a blessing in many ways. And a curse in just as many. But yes, I do love you, Dean. Balthazar was not wrong."

"Cas, you can't," Dean said, his eyes shooting up to the angel's in a panic. "You'll fall or something or get killed and it will be all my fault. I can't be the reason an angel falls. I don't want you to lose your wings and that would most likely send me to Hell. Again."

Cas tilted his head even further, the confusion apparent in his eyes. He turned to face Dean on the bed and said, "Why would I fall? Or be killed?"

"Isn't it forbidden for angels to love humans? I remember something about God cleansing the earth of Nephilim," Dean replied, drawing on really old lectures from Pastor Jim. "And if you fell, you'd be mortal and our line of work is dangerous. I won't be able to protect you from everything without your angel mojo."

"Love is never a sin, Dean," Cas replied gently, a fond smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "I would not fall for loving you, therefore I wouldn't die because I was mortal. I can see you are still worried, though. What's really bothering you?"

Dean fidgeted at that, running his fingers up and down the tops of his thighs. Talking to Sam about things like this was easier because he was his brother. But this was Cas. The person he might actually love a lot. Dean took a deep breath and met the angel's eyes.

"Why me?" he asked bluntly. "You're the one who found me in hell. You know what I've done, what I was doing when you got there. You know what I've done before and since. You could find any number of people better than me." 

Cas laughed lightly at that though his eyes were dark with a profound sorrow. He reached for Dean but stopped just short of touching the hunter, as if he wasn't sure of the reception.

"Dean, you are the Righteous Man," Cas said emphatically. "I think the worst part of that is that you don't see it. You don't see all the good you do, all the people you save. You only see the ones you've lost. You hold your failures close while losing sight of the successes, the victories. How could I not love someone as selfless and self-sacrificing as you?"

Dean completed the gesture Cas started, taking the angel's hand and wrapping his fingers around the other's. A warmth blossomed in his chest as he thought about Cas's words. To know that someone saw him like that, believed in him, made Dean believe he might not be as worthless as he thought. As much of a lost cause.

"I've been thinking about what Balthazar said and how I feel about it for most of the night," Dean admitted. "I was afraid to admit to myself that I might care for you more than a brother. I couldn't shoulder the burden of you losing who you are."

"Dean, you never have to," Cas said, tilting his head again. "Even if I do fall, it's my choice. And loving you will never instigate that. Did you decide how you felt about me?"

Dean took another deep breath, feeling as if he was standing on the edge of a precipice and hoping that his parachute would work. He felt a small smile cross his face and watched Cas mirror it.

"Yeah, I think I have," Dean told the angel seriously. "I think I might love you. I want to find out, if you want to."

Instead of speaking, Cas leaned forward and stopped just short of Dean's lips. Their breaths mingled together before Dean closed the distance and pressed a chaste kiss to Cas's lips. They drew back and stared into each other's eyes again. Dean felt like he was drowning in the angel's cerulean eyes. Though there was nowhere else he'd rather be.


End file.
